Random Thoughts

     Fundamental Truths

• If you loan someone money, and then at a later date ask for some of it back, YOU'RE the asshole.

• Third Eye Blind's song "Jumper", about trying to keep a guy from jumping out a window, actually makes me want to jump out a window. Now that's irony.

• Carpool lanes are the only invention I know of which immediately cease to work the moment they start to work.

• Sports is tough and brutal, but sports writing is sappy and sentimental. Alanis Morissette take note: This is irony.

• No one ever seems to catch Queen's "Somebody to Love" on the radio from the beginning of the song. Whenever anyone hears it, it's after they switch stations, and it's always towards the end.

• A fork is already kind of a spork.

• If you think no one cares about you, you are correct.

• If your family name is Dickinmymouth, don't name your daughter Anita.

• Alanis Morrisette does not know the definition of the word "ironic".

• Hollywood is much better at making films about dictatorial, oppressive political regimes than actually doing anything to oppose them in the first place.

• Mint chocolate chip ice cream produced during the days of the Holy Roman Empire contained neither mint nor chocolate nor chips.

• If your family name is Dickinmymouth, don't name your son Anita.

• Crutches are just a crutch for those who are injured and unable to stand under their own power.

• That which does not kill you, builds up with all the other stuff that doesn't kill you and kills you slowly.

• Now, going back to your family name being "Dickinmymouth", if we're saying not to name your kid "Anita", then, for that matter, you really shouldn't name your kid "Sticka" or "No, Seriously, I Like It, Put A" either. Just, really anything that can be interpreted as your child wanting people to put their dicks in your kid's mouth, you don't want.

• If you've at some point regularly watched The Simpsons or South Park, loved it, and gotten way into it, you're a nerd. If you've done that after Season 6 of The Simpsons or Season 3 of South Park, you're a moron. Sketch your own Venn diagram as needed.

• Braille road signs for blind drivers, as has been suggested by Buddy from "Charles In Charge", while convenient, will only encourage more blind people to drive and thereby further clog our streets and highways with cars.

• Queen's "We Will Rock You" and "We Are The Champions" are two different songs.

     The 22 Best Movies Ever Made, Objectively-Speaking, Period:

22. The Sixth Sense (1999)
21. Capturing the Friedmans (2003)
20. Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)
19. Apocalypse Now Redux (1979)
18. 28 Up (1985)
17. The Apostle (1997)
16. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
15. Fargo (1996)
14. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
13. Pulp Fiction (1994)
12. The Matrix (1999)
11. Election (1999)
10. Unbreakable (2000)
9. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
8. Forrest Gump (1994)
7. Back to the Future (1985)
6. Donnie Darko (2001)
5. Sling Blade (1996)
4. Network (1976)
3. The Godfather (1972)
2. Superman: The Movie (1978)
1. 1776 (1972)

      Ad For A Nanny

Live-in nanny needed for VIP celebrity family. Must be able to travel. This is a VIP celebrity couple, so nanny should be very presentable to the public, to contribute to their image. Must be female. Duties include watching after kids, light cleaning up after kids…but anyways, she must be a girl, and must be young. And attractive, in order to contribute to the image of this very important high-profile celebrity couple. She’ll be a live-in nanny, so in case the kids need something at night, the nanny can go to their rooms, in her see-through nightie, with water or whatever the kids need. She must tease the man of the house by walking around in her nightie at inappropriate times, but no sex required, just tease the man and give him, at first, some entertainment, but then, a very difficult, moral choice. OK maybe SOME sex required, but just a couple times until the man of the house has gotten his act together and promised himself he would stay straight and fly right—actually, you know what? I’m going to just jerk off and come back and finish this ad later.

     Lyrics to Songs I Probably Wouldn't Like If They Were Recorded

"Time Tender Heart"

We….
Standing on the edge of time
Holding our bodies close, your hand in mine
I sigh and smile and breathe your skin's caress
As happy touch and light and sound dance ‘round in jest.

Us….
Loving and gloving our tender hearts
Walking and talking, our lips heat and spark
Baby say to me the way you feel this night
I cry I tear I'm near your baby brown eyes of light.

Because the love we share
Is the love still there
And the tears we cry
Are the tears we dry
And the miles we walk
Are the times we talk.

Churning and yearning and burning inside
Before your patient smile, I thought my soul had died
Time tender heart.
 

"Change Young Youth"

We are the youth
We are the young
We are the change

[or any combination of the above lyrics, in any song, under any circumstances]

Articles

     Government to Unveil New "List of Things You Can Do"

In keeping with the government's pledge to be more "common man- and woman-friendly", a new list has been unveiled which, the three branches of government all hope, will "make it a whole lot easier to follow the do's and don'ts of being a citizen of the U.S." Entitled, "A List of Things You Can Do," it is a list of things you can do.

Speaking in its normal folksy and down-to-Earth, but brilliant, manner, the government explained: "We understood that we were taking up way too much space on the bookshelves of libraries and folks and whatnot with all the things folks couldn't do, so we decided it would be a whole lot simpler for folks, if they just had a handy-dandy list of things one COULD do."

Coming in at just over 105 words, the new list, which is currently available as a 3x5 index card, but in time will be available only as a tattoo all must get on their arms, seems surprisingly thorough in its cataloguing of shit you can still do in this country.

Among the entries:

• Shut up.

• Read this list.

• Take meds.

• Work at assigned occupation.

• Purchase designated products.

• Watch television.

• Take your meds please.

In crafting the list, the government says it struggled with many "borderline" activities, such as smiling, going to Church, reading non-list-related materials and eating. "Clearly eating is OK some of the time, and some foods are even acceptable to eat, but on balance, there was more harm than good in it, and we felt that if we started spelling out all the rules of when and where and what one could eat, it would defeat the purpose of the list, so we just took it right out. Same with murder, sports, and ordering shoes online."

As with all laws, members of the government are exempt. When asked by journalists if that meant that members of the government would, therefore, be NOT allowed to do what's on the list, the ability to be a journalist was taken off the list.

     Spammers Announce "One Spam Is Real" Program

In order to drum up business and boost flagging interest in mortgage lending, penis enlargement, UK lottery winnings, major business propositions and "fukking in pajamas", operators of several of the largest spam solicitors have banded together to announce a new "One Spam Is Real" program.

The program will involve making one spam e-mail out of each genre of spam an actual, on-the-level, no tricks, honest-to-God real fucking thing. One of these e-mails in each genre will be sent every single day, among the many billions of others.

For example, those needing to refinance their homes with low, low interest rates can look forward to one out of approximately one billion e-mails to actually give you a proper refinancing of your home with good rates, "and we won't steal any of your information" promised Paskey Carmichael, spokeswoman for the group. "If you're the one to get this e-mail, you can feel completely safe and secure."

One lucky pervert will actually get to see teen Asian cuties getting their faces sprayed with the real Paris Hilton's actual love juice. "This is the real Paris Hilton, really squirting onto Asian teens, independently verified as cuties by real gay fashion magazine editors," said Carmichael. "Don't ask us how we did it, but we are serious about this program." (In a statement, Ms. Hilton expressed her enthusiasm for the project, stating that she wanted something to take people's minds off the embarrassment of her 2002 sex tape.)

And one person will actually be asked by a real Nigerian king to take delivery of several million dollars in heretofore hidden funds.

The remainder will receive viruses.

"You won't know unless you click on the link!" exclaimed Ms. Carmichael. "Good luck!"

     Hoax Alert

If you get an e-mail which reads "Horse-Fucking Nympho xxvideosxClck [sic] Here" do NOT click on it, it is a hoax. You will not find any of the promised videos at that URL.

Also, any e-mails with the subject line "Asian Pamela Anderson Pregnant Titty Photos" contain nothing of the sort at the web address given, and absolutely ZERO dwarves appear in the completely misleadingly-titled "CumShootMidgets Naked Ass Worship" e-mail, or at the very least none could be made out clearly before a virus destroyed the entire computer's hard drive and all devices connected to it.

The sender of the e-mails, a 27-year-old Russian who wished to remain anonymous, expressed surprise when contacted about the e-mails, and promised to either make the subject lines of these e-mails more accurate, or else actually provide the promised content. It appeared that the young Russian e-mailer was unaware of American truth-in-advertising laws, but said he did understand that if he is going to tell people he has pictures of an alien having sex with mature teen Asian escort MILFs in the shower, he better damn well have those photographs. He also expressed remorse about not thoroughly checking the links provided in the e-mails for malware, spyware and the kind of viruses that bring down entire networks and steal all your personal information. And pop-ups.

Most Congressmen seemed already well-aware of the problem, and have crafted fast-track legislation that would require spammers who send e-mails with such titles to pay into a fund that will then produce the content exactly as worded in the respective subject lines and make that content available for free to Congressmen and others. A separate bill addressing the problems of identity theft and the spread of malicious trojan horse viruses was said to be in the works, too, once the more urgent bill is passed.

     I Think Lindsay Lohan Parties Too Much

Although I've never met her, nor seen her in person, it's become painfully clear to me that Lindsay Lohan parties too much. I'm getting a lot of reports about her behavior, and I can't say I'm very pleased.

Not to say that I'm a prude and think that kids can't go to parties. A little bit is OK; I certainly went to my fair share of parties when I was her age and gender, but I always would have arrived on the set the next day punctually, ready to work, were I a working actor and not throwing my life away at college at the time. But word has gotten back to me that Lindsay is doing anything but arriving on the set in a timely manner. Needless to say, this is unacceptable, and I won't have it.

I appreciate everyone's help in getting me the data I need to (G-d willing) nip this in the bud with Lindsay. Yahooexclamationpoint, you've done yeoman's work by making sure my investigation into these unprofessional acts never rests, with constant updates sent to my browser home page, which you've no doubt done because I selected "news only" during my home page set-up (which also explains the new case I've opened on Reggie Bush, who really ought to know better, and just wait 'til I get my hands on him!). Nowcasting.com, you've been invaluable, constantly alerting me as to new developments in Lindsay's odyssey whenever I'm watching all those hilarious short films you chose over mine. Surely I can't fail in talking some sense into a certain Miss Lohan with all you guys backing me up.

My only complaint is that it has been a while - months, almost - since I've been fully briefed on the status of her breast size. Naturally, I would have gone to Kinko's to have photos of her chest through the years blown up to 8 1/2x14 glossies anyway, but, hey, it would have been helpful to at least have a table with cup and chest diameter measurements through time - 't's all I'm sayin' (beginning at age 18 of course; I'm not a perv - though all your lurid photos and tales of her when she was still 16 are definitely appreciated and don't at all contribute to the sexualization of children, I'm quite certain).

So, as I continue to make notes in my (now second) legal pad about the situation, I hope your dedication will not flag. I know mine won't. Because when presented with a problem about people for which I'm directly responsible, I solve it.

     New, Presumably Last, Group Of Humans Found Who Have Not Heard Of "The Daily Show";
     Can Be Openly Mocked In Interviews

ASMARA, Eritrea – A small group of nomadic herders surfaced earlier this week in southern Eritrea, who, upon pointed questioning, were confirmed by local reporters as well as United Nations volunteers to not be aware of any of the so-called "fake news" television programmes, including "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," "The Colbert Report" and "Dog Bites Man", all of which air on U.S. cable channel Comedy Central; and "Da Ali G Show" which airs on BBC 4 and U.S. pay television channel HBO, a division of Time Warner. As such, the tired, famished band of nomads were considered ripe for parody and were promptly fitted with lavalier mics and treated to a scathing, hilarious interview by Samantha Bee of "The Daily Show" (with promises of food and rest to follow).

"From America to Australia, there just literally isn't anyone in the world who we can interview anymore. We've either interviewed them all already or they've heard of us and know what to expect," says Bee, who traveled 18,000 miles to mock these last known inhabitants of the planet who haven't heard of any fake news shows. Bee said her piece will focus on homophobia, adding that the nomads' hunger and poor working knowledge of English gave the Daily Show crew some "priceless dumb looks" that can be edited for hilarity.

When informed of the find, Lizz Winstead, a co-creator of "The Daily Show" who still keeps close tabs on the show despite not being involved in day-to-day operations, asked of the Eritrean nomads, "are they Republicans? There could be some serious ethical concerns if they aren't."

Asked why the nomads were questioned so aggressively about their knowledge of fake news shows by local journalists and workers at a municipal-level chapter of the United Nations Agency for the Protection of Satirists (U.-N.A.P.S.), Yemane Ghebremeskel, Chief of Staff to the Eritrean President stated, "as it has been explained to me, mocking others, regardless of whether the subject deserves it or not, and without regard to one's own faults – indeed, highly defensive of all one's own beliefs and actions as one mocks everyone else's – is the most precious gift in the world, and must be continued, no matter the cost." Mr. Ghebremeskel then referred to the incident of Stephen Colbert, notorious for being tongue-tied on his show "The Colbert Report", mocking FOX News commentator John Gibson for openly admitting his trouble pronouncing the name of Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "That was a great day for smug, hypocritical satire," said Ghebremeskel, who added that the only thing marring the occasion was the well-known fact that John Gibson is an astoundingly dumb, and possibly racist, human being who probably does actually deserve everything he gets.

In a Q&A conducted by phone, Sacha Baron Cohen, the British Presbyterian comedian who stars in the fake interview programme "Da Ali G Show", was at first angered to hear of the Daily Show's "scoop". Cohen had planned on approaching the disoriented, very, very hungry assemblage of Eritreans as "Borat", Cohen's uproarious Kazakh alter-ego and – after first seeing if they would touch his genitals, which he would explain was Kazakh custom – asking them if, according to the Eritrean Tewahdo Church, Jews went to Hell when they died. But Mr. Cohen's spirits were revived when informed that anthropologists had just discovered a conclave of half-rabbit, half-ape men in Papua New Guinea, only some of whom had heard of "Crossballs", and, regardless, they didn't really get it.

     Three Ways You Can Tell if Your Child Has ADD

More than 400,000,000 children in the United States alone go undiagnosed and untreated for mental illness every year. That's 1.5 children for every man, woman and child living in America today, enough to fill the Super Bowl 4,000 times over. Experts agree that this unconscionably vast sea of undiagnosed and untreated children is because of "stigma", a patina-like substance which coats the attitudes of most backward-thinking people and forces children and their parents to not seek the treatment they so desperately need to treat their devastating mental illnesses.

The mental disease most readily acknowledged by parents - and hence, most psychiatrists agree, the best one - is ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder.

"People need to get their heads out of the sand and realize that their children have either ADD, ADHD or another disease, and that there is treatment available," advised Maro Bonesukr, a spokesperson for Love Our Children Now, referring to ADD and its equally devastating cousin, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. "Loving our children means treating our children. Loving means treating. Loving. Treating. Love your kids. Treat your kids."

Experts also agree that the most pressing problem overall facing children in America today is not being diagnosed and treated for a mental disease quickly enough. "If parents wait to have their children diagnosed, millions of prescriptions for medication will go unrequested," noted Dr. Heinrich Kindmoerder, a clinical psychiatrist doing research in this area.

In order to make diagnosis of ADD as absolutely fast as possible, experts have developed a remarkably accurate ADD self-diagnosis checklist which parents can administer at home. Parents who even suspect that any one of the following three signs of ADD may apply to their children are to report to the proper authorities at once.

1. The school district psychiatrist wants to put in an addition on his home.

One of the clearest signs your child has ADD (or its often conflated cousin, ADHD) is when your school district's staff psychiatrist is looking to make a major purchase, such as putting a new addition to his home. Check your school district psychiatrist's backyard. Does it have a pool and a cabana? If not, your child very well may have acute ADD. In fact, if your district psychiatrist already had a contractor out to his home, and the estimate was higher than expected, your child is likely suffering from many debilitating mental illnesses, all of which, thanks to breakthroughs in medical science, can now be successfully treated.

2. Novartis' third quarter earnings are lower than expected.

This is an excellent barometer for determining whether your child is one of the millions who suffer needlessly from ADD. Check the stock prices for the drug manufacturers. Have they dropped? Are Wall Street drug stock analysts unhappy about earnings-per-share ratios among the drug companies? (You may need to subscribe to a cable system that provides CNBC and/or CNNfn financial channels to get the most accurate diagnosis for your child.) If so, your child has gone undiagnosed for ADD.

Also keep track of any mention of Novartis "expanding its market", for this is a sign that you suffer from adult ADD and your dog suffers from dog ADD, and you both need to get the facts.

3. Your child's teacher finds your child annoying or uncomfortably clever.

Most experts agree that successfully treating ADD leaves a child much more focused on the space in front of his eyes, which most teachers find soothing. Most parents report that treating their child for ADD brings their school grades up markedly, particularly among those teachers who grade based on focus.

Apply with your school to be allowed to sit in on one of your child's classes. If your application is approved, note your teacher's demeanor with the children. If your child corrects the teacher on any given point and makes the teacher appear less intelligent, your child is horribly debilitated by strong mental illness and should be escorted to the nurse's office immediately for thorough treatment.

Regardless of the above signs, a good rule of thumb, experts all agree, is to have your child medicated.

Not Coming Soon:      Celebrity Tiddliewinks Join hosts Bill Walton, Flavor Flav and retired Sen. Alan Simpson (R-WY) for some fast-paced action, as celebrities from the worlds of television, film and "other" (neither television nor film), play tiddliewinks for their favorite charities. Count how many times a celebrity says "what do you think, we're playing tiddliewinks?" and count how many times that gets a big laugh from the studio audience. Retired Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN), retired Sen. Rebecca Latimer Felton (D-GA; deceased), and Brian "Kato" Kaelin scheduled for pilot (subject to change). Tiddliewinks and poker expert Phil Gordon provides commentary. [Intellectual Property suit against Celebrity Poker Showdown, Celebrity Blackjack and Celebrity Billiards pending.]      Briefs      (with apologies to Patton Oswalt's alter-ego Erik Blevins)     Three sexy, barely legal girls work as attorneys during the day at a Legal Aid Clinic (they are all super-sexy and smart genius Doogie Howser types who got their law diplomas from Harvard in the afternoons after school while they were all still going to high school [backstory: they kept their Harvard law classes a secret from their parents so they wouldn't freak them out because they are so sexy AND smart]), helping the indigent (who will be sexy Latinos like Selma and Friedrich Hayek, and Catherine Zeta-Jones) with their claims of wrongful termination and improper eviction notices, and then at night they will be strippers at a local girlie bar. But they keep it a secret from the strip club owner so he won't be like, "hey, I'm being set up" or "what the hell" or whatever. The girls will use the money to help the Legal Aid Clinic. Summary: They will be totally hot, but with hearts of gold. Set in Los Angeles and Miami (to get the most number of poor but sexy Latinos). Note: If it's on HBO, we will be able to show their boobs.

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